The story of Jellybean

I unknowingly fell pregnant with my 2^nd and six weeks went by until I started feeling odd. I bought a pregnancy test to rule this out and as I left it, getting pip washed and dressed, I came back to it to find the two blue lines.

My immediate reaction was more of shock panic and I didn’t tell Mr P until a few days later as I wanted to gauge his thoughts on another one. I needed to get it straight in my head, how would I cope with a newborn and toddler on the Island with no family down the road, living in a tiny cottage lovingly dubbed ‘the bat cave’?

When I did tell everyone, mentioning my worries they all promised to be over more to help. I would look around at friends who had just had another baby and whose first were younger than pip would be thinking that they are coping just fine but also realise they have their mum/ sister/ mum in law down the road.

Luckily with jellybean, my sickness didn’t last long and as pip was still having naps in the day, I would have one too. I nervous about labour and delivery again but I was going to insist on a water birth this time round.

Everything was going well, scans and tests were all fine and I felt a bit tired but o.k. A couple of months went by and there came an opportunity for Mr P to interview for a job on the mainland. We talked about it and in my view he was a dead cert for the job as half his role at that time was the same.

As the interview approached, I didn’t like to talk too much about it or bring it up because although it meant a lot, I didn’t want him to feel pressured at all. The interview was due for the week before we were due to go away for a few days, long story short, the interview was attended and before we went away, he found out that he was successful in getting the post. It meant moving back to the mainland, closer to family and the start of a new chapter of life. I was thrilled not only as it would make life A LOT easier but also it showed Mr P that his bosses and other people valued him and his hard work. I was a very proud wife.

Things moved really fast and we were able to house hunt for the day, agreeing on the second house we saw, although we couldn’t be too picky as renting with a dog is slim pickings! We filled out the paperwork and returned it the same day to secure the property and they wanted us in within a couple of weeks! Luckily we negotiated a month as we still had to give notice on our current cottage. What a manic month! We had a mass family holiday for F in law 60^th up in Scotland for a week then back home on the Island for 4 days before moving to the mainland 30 weeks pregnant!

The next 11 weeks went flashing by although the last 2 dragged as jellybean showed no signs of wanting to arrive, even with my best efforts of ‘coaxing’ him out.

In the end I had to be induced which meant no birth centre and as after my waters were broken the contractions were still irregular I had to be put on the dreaded drip which also meant no water birth for me. I was a little devastated as this was completely the opposite to my birth plan but excited that we would meet jellybean, I just didn’t realise how soon that would be, the drip kicked everything up a notch and after a couple of hours, not even fully dilated he was born leaving me with a tear and a big blood loss. He was put on my chest to see then given straight to Mr P as a team of people came into the room. I remember looking over to Mr P who was plopping himself and thinking ‘this is quite serious then.’

After a while of the nurse stitching me up I was given the little man back and finally gave him a feed.

Looking back I wish I had insisted on a transfusion as I would have felt better sooner especially as that morning it seemed that everyone possible came into my room about something or other when I just needed and wanted sleep.

I decided to go home that afternoon and by the time they sorted out the paperwork it was early evening. My mum and dad had pip for those couple of days and by the time we had got home, she had cooked us a lasagne which did us for lunch the next day too. I went straight up to bed exhausted and suffering with the anaemia.

Over the next couple of weeks, both sets of parents came round to help out which was very much appreciated because I then developed mastitis and had a bit of trouble feeding jellybean. Those first 3 weeks were incredibly hard which I found frustrating. I was angry at my body for epically letting me down. For not getting labour started even though it had the greatest hand, for giving me a hard birth and for making me ill, one thing after another.

Those first few weeks with being so poorly with mastitis and exhausted I very nearly chucked the towel in with breastfeeding. There were a few times where I thought ‘why me, just give me a break’, it seemed to be one thing after another!

I am glad that I stuck with it now, deep down I knew I wanted to because every time I thought about it or said about bottling him I would cry and just feel incredibly sad.

I have found second time around night feedings and having a baby around in general isn’t as hard as first time and although I was really nervous about having a toddler and baby and how pip would react, she has been really good and you can tell already that they have a special bond.

The story of pip

With my first, I struggled through pregnancy; bad morning sickness, raging hormones (poor Mr p), although don’t feel too bad for him, he jokingly retched once which he found funny until I was actually sick, luckily for him I never strayed far from my sick bowl! We found out the sex with Sophie as at our first scan we were told she could have down syndrome and after all the bloods the odds were still borderline so we had to go for a very detailed scan across to the mainland.

At that scan, every detail was checked, the heart chambers, ventricles, arteries, valves, flow of the veins, everything in the abdomen, spinal column and the face even seeing the tiny folds of pips brain. It was fascinating that this highly detailed baby was being grown by my body without even thinking about it. Then the senior sonographer asked us if we wanted to find out, Mr P and I looked at each other both answering yes and we found out pip was a girl.

As we walked to the car, paying for our ticket I just broke down and cried, the last 5 months of uncertainty and worry pouring its way down my cheeks. Relief washing over me that my little pip was healthy. That is my one wish for my family that they are happy and healthy because ultimately that is all that matters.

Pips due date approached and we were so excited to meet her and that evening after a long walk, my waters trickled a little and at 3am when I could hold out no longer, we made our journey to hospital. After pushing for what felt like forever, she was born just after midday. She was handed to me after Mr P cut the cord and I gave her a feed to which she took to like a duck to water, then handed to Mr P for a cuddle whilst I was whizzed to surgery to repair my tear (I was given a spinal though so for the next day I was blissfully unaware.)

We had settled into our new roles well and then the colic hit big time. Looking back, now, I can see that I could have winded her more effectively or got her latch on better but then as a first time mum you feel like if you ask for help all the time then you are failing.

It lasted up to 15 weeks old and although I had infacol and gripe water and tried a dairy free diet she still suffered as did we. One day, as we were travelling to the mainland in our sleep deprived state, I said to my husband that I felt I hadn’t bonded with her. All she seemed to do was scream at me and I felt helpless when I tried to do anything. Thinking back to this, I felt terrible but also remember how those nights were.

After that episode, she thrived and I ended up feeding her exclusively for a year and nightly until 18 months.

This is one of my proudest achievements.

N

Writing again

I'd love to get back into writing, it is something I've always enjoyed and was nurtured at college with 'imaginative text' briefs. Like old college friends, you soon lose touch and drift away, like a buoy cut from its tether bobbing in the seas until it is washed ashore again.

As I sit here and write, my brain trying to engage the old cogs, I am aware of how out of practice I am and yet I am writing from the heart, so a rambling text shouldn't matter.

I'm not sure if my posts will have 'topics' or be musings and thoughts but I'm sure as I continue, there will be some structure to them in the future.

I have decided to start writing again as I have just had my second child, a son and to keep me semi awake whilst night feeding and soothing him as well as a bit of emotional outpour I started doodling then venting leading on to writing.

So here goes.....